One of the greatest theological debates of our time is in answering the question, "How does one get into heaven?" A valid question, indeed. While this may be looking at it too "black-and-white," most people fall into one of two categories. Good works or grace. Some of the other labels are "the law or grace", "religion or relationship", "Old Testament or New", etc. Well, I'm not here to judge one or the other. In fact, Pastor Robert Morris has a great teaching on how both are relevant today. Regardless of what side of the fence you're on, I have developed a infallible, mathematical formula to determine your eternal destination. You can thank me later.
For the "grace" people, the formula fairly straightforward.
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Accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior = Heaven-bound
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Simple and to the point. Hard to get confused. Sure, there's a bit more to it, but read Romans and John to start off and you'll be OK.
For the more "law-abiding" ones, it gets a bit harried. Wish me luck as I try to type this out.
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(The age you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior) + (The number of Republicans you voted for) + (How many church-approved instruments you play) - (The number of times you held the hand of a girl or guy outside of marriage) / [(The number of boyfriends or girlfriends you had before marriage - How many kids you have that are following the Lord) + (The number of tattoos on your body - Your average tithe amount)] + (How many Bible college classes you've taken - How many non-Bible college classes you've taken) = Heaven-bound
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Let's face it. We're all screwed.
EDITOR'S NOTE: I would also like to point out that if you did not vote for Bush in both the 2000 and 2004 elections, you have a zero chance of making it past the Pearly Gates. George is Jesus' home-boy.
