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| These guys should of never been allowed to record a Christmas song |
Unfortunately, they don't make 'em like they used to. Radio stations: this is your fault. The audacity you have for allowing horrific music to grace the public airways! Your taste in music can be quite appalling. Granted, it's not like we have this unlimited pool of Christmas songs to draw from to play night and day from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I'm sure the radio stations get a little desperate to mix it up a bit and not be too repetitive. Of course if it was up to me, I have a list of about 20 songs that they could play on repeat for the entire holiday season, and I'd be perfectly content. As for all the other Christmas tunes, we're better off leaving them on the proverbial shelf.
But for some songs, it wouldn't be enough to just "leave them on the shelf." Some songs need to be completely removed from the face of the earth. Some songs are so bad, I want a neurosurgeon to surgically remove any memory I have of ever listening to them. You know how people pray for their own "Christmas miracle"? Well, my Christmas miracle is to wake up to a world where the good Lord himself has destroyed any and all traces of these atrocious, awful, wanna-be Christmas carols.
You're probably wondering which songs I'm referring to. Well I took the time and pleasure to put them in a nice list here for you. That way, you can take steps to avoid these at all possible. You can thank me later. *Editor's Note: These are not in any particular order or ranking. They're all equally irritating.
"Santa Baby" - Madonna
This was actually written in the 50's for Eartha Kitt to sing. And Eartha is awesome. But then Madonna was born. I'm pretty sure the world ended. If it didn't end then, it ended in 1987 when Madonna recorded her version of "Santa Baby." Madonna attempts to mimic the style of Marilyn Monroe and fails miserably. What's worse is that there are many people who legitimately believe it's Marilyn singing. What an insult! No one can emulate Marilyn. If Michelle Williams can't do it right, then Madonna certainly can't. The song comes off as whiny, annoying, and grating on my precious ears.
Listen to the song here.
"Same Old Lang Syne" - Dan Fogelberg
Just because a song mentions Christmas Eve or snow, it doesn't mean it's a Christmas song. This song is way too depressing. It's about some dude who runs into an old flame at Tops (or Wegmans, if you're a snob), they chat it up for a few hours, and then go their separate ways. Probably the lamest thing I have heard in my entire life. Why couldn't they rekindle the love? Or do what most people do and ignore each other in the cereal aisle, hoping the other person doesn't say anything! To top it off, good old Dan Fogelberg ends the song singing how the "snow turns into rain." Dan should have his vocal cords removed so he can never sing again.
Listen to the song here.
"Last Christmas" - Wham!
Everything about this song screams, "I had a one-night stand with a call-girl on Christmas Day and couldn't afford to keep her any longer. This year, I'm purchasing a mail-order bride from PersianWifeFinder.com." And that's all I have to say about that.
Listen to the song here.
"Do They Know it's Christmastime?" - Band-Aid
To enlighten you, this is the song where Bono and like 50 other big name artists in the 80's got together to sing a song to raise awareness of the hunger issue in Africa. Good intentions, but the lyrics are awful. You've heard the song a million times, but you've probably never really listened to it. So read the lyrics and you'll see why. If you're too lazy to do that, I'll just tell you. Bono is bragging that we have it better in America than the Africans do. It's kind of awkward. And yet hilarious. But regardless of how entertaining it is, it makes for a god-awful Christmas carol.
Listen to the song here.
"The 12 Pains of Christmas" - Bob Rivers
Just what we need. A Christmas carol that points out the supposed frustrating moments of the holidays. I thought carols were supposed to bring Christmas cheer, not take it away. This song is annoying, pathetic, and sung by people who clearly have zero talent. It's not even that original. But then again, most parodies aren't.
Listen to the song here.
"Wonderful Christmastime" - Paul McCartney
I'm so brave to be bashing a Paul McCartney song. This song is just downright annoying. The way he sings, "simply having a wonderful Christmastime" over and over again, makes me want to never celebrate Christmas again.
Listen to the song here.
"Christmas Shoes" - Newsong
I know, how dare I criticize a song that mentions Jesus, dying people, and cute kids! But someone needs to say it. And I'll gladly do it. While I love listening to and singing this song, and the Rob Lowe movie is something everyone should watch (HA), I do it all to make fun of it relentlessly. It is so cheesy and way over the top. It takes a great concept and beats it to an ugly, bloody pulp. The song is so bad, I envy the mother mentioned in the song because she dies and is spared ever having to hear the song. The rest of us are left to suffer. To top it off, they have a bunch of kids singing the ending. It's like putting salt on an open wound. I hate you, Newsong.
Listen to the song here.
Stay tuned to an upcoming, less ranting, more raving post about the best Christmas songs ever. But in the meantime, give me some feedback! Did I miss something? Do you actually love a song on this list? Please say no...
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