Medleys have ruined worship (and our lives)

I've been hatin' on medleys for a long time. And for good reason. They're awful.

But before I start venting, as I do so well, let's provide some background.

What's a medley, you ask? A medley is taking one perfectly good song, and mashing it into another perfectly good song, thereby creating a jumbling, swirl of horrific "music". And if you're feeling particularly adventurous, you don't have to stop at just a two-song medley. Believe it or not, there are three-, four-, and even five-song medleys (I'm weeping as I type this now).

Medleys are seldom seen in contemporary music today outside of Christian circles. You don't see an artist singing Adele's Rolling in the Deep and adding Mean by Taylor Swift (don't get any ideas). However, in the Christian music community, it's all the rage. And speaking of rage, I hope I can get through this post without getting myself riled up and doing something I'll regret later, like punching a kitten. I was at a meeting at a local church recently and the band leading worship incorporated the chorus of Don't Stop Believing (the Journey song) into Blessed Be Your Name.And Jump with I Am Free. I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

To be frank, medleys can be quite nice and appropriate at times. The problem is, it seems I'm the only one on the planet who knows how to arrange a medley the correct way. Well, me and Chris Quilala. But I'm not going to tell you how. Instead, I'm just going to rant and rave about how everyone else is wrong. I mean, this is America, right? We complain, but offer no solutions. So I'll fit right in!

So if medleys are so bad, why do people (and by "people", I mean "worship leaders") do them? Here are a few reasons why:

Reason #1 On Why Worship Leaders Go Down the Dark Path That is Medleys


Jamie and Adam have tested your medley and deemed it a bust.

 Medleys are crowd pleasers.
The idea is to pick several songs/choruses of songs that are popular to make one song. And sure, in theory, taking two awesome worship songs and making one song out of them sounds pretty cool. But there's a reason why it's called a theory.  In reality, you're destroying the beauty of those songs. If you want to do those songs so badly, open up space in your setlist to do both songs individually.


Reason #2 On Why Worship Leaders Go Down the Dark Path That is Medleys
The chorus of a song is great, but the rest of the song sucks.
I'm sorry, but I have to pick on Deluge's Worshiping You for a second here. The verse of the song is incredible. The bridge of the song is dope. The chorus...well, it leaves a lot to be desired. So I can understand the temptation to just nix the chorus and add the bridge to another song where it might fit. My solution to this is the same as #1. Just do the song, but without the chorus. Learn how to arrange the song so that it runs for the amount of time you want it to. And if it's shorter than the standard worship song, trust me, no one notices, and no one cares.

Reason #3 On Why Worship Leaders Go Down the Dark Path That is Medleys
It gives the illusion that you have a seamless worship setlist.
Newsflash: it does not give you a seamless worship setlist. Worship leaders think they're brilliant when they're able to compile a list of songs that are all in the same key. It means that they can transition from one song to the next easier because there are no awkward pauses or unnatural key changes.

A medley is (supposedly) even better because you don't even have to transition. You just keep cranking away with the same four chords and just sing a different chorus. Now the only one doing any work is the powerpoint guy (or girl) because he (or she) has to frantically jump from one song to the next, trying to keep up. I don't know how to break it to you worship leaders, but doing everything in the same key is a cop out. You're being a wuss. Strap on your wings of courage and fly to new levels of awesome worship leading (I love cheesy one-liners). Learn how to transition a song in more ways than just this one. You can't hide behind one key signature forever.

What Have We Learned Today? Sing along with the gourds!

Medleys seem great on the outside. Picking and choosing the best choruses may seem like a wonderful idea. Keeping everything in the same key appears to be genius. All three myths are neither great, nor wonderful, nor ingenious. The biggest downfall of medleys is that they're so gosh-darn confusing. The poor congregation. They're just getting into the groove with How Great is Our God and you just jump into How Great Thou Art all willy nilly! And it only gets worse if you add more songs to this hot mess you call a worship set.

Plus, it messes with the flow. You come off as trying to rush through the set. Learn to relax. Learn to settle into a song, play it with excellence, and see God move through a single song. Of course, be careful not to pull an Eagles' Wings (inside joke, sorry), and stay on one song for 20 minutes. That is equally annoying as doing five songs in two minutes is. If you love a chorus of a song, learn the beauty of a short song. Ever hear of Chris Tomlin's Our God Reigns? Or Hillsong United's Majesty? Or Will Reagan's Set A Fire? Or Jesus Culture's Nothing But the Blood? They're all short. And they're all amazing.

Oh and one last piece of advice. Don't ever lead worship with music from Journey. Ever. Or any other non-Christian piece of music for that matter. I don't care how much you change the lyrics to be more "Jesus friendly", it will always be terrible.



can prevent medleys.



On behalf of Christian musicians, I'm sorry.

This is to all you Christians out there with little or no musical talent, or those of you not on a worship team or band of some kind. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the incredibly annoying qualities Christian musicians have. Please forgive us. We have no idea that we're doing it.

And what are those qualities? Well, let me tell you. Introducing the latest blog post, "The Problem With Christian Musicians". I hope you get something out of this.

The problem with Christian musicians #1
We're arrogant. The irritating part is that it isn't obvious.. Sure, there are a whole lot of musicians who are blatantly cocky, but those people are easy to handle. We simply despise them. But most of us just have a very subtle pride. We're not always flaunting our skills and being over-the-top. But the vanity is there. The problem for the rest of the world is in dealing with it. You can't hate them, because they're clueless. You can't love them because they're arrogant. It's tough.

The problem with Christian musicians #2
We're blatantly annoying. All we talk about is music. We don't know how to talk about anything else. We know all of the obscure Christian artists, we've known about the latest album from Jesus Culture long before you did, and we totally did that worship song last year. Whether we're arguing over whether it's better to lead Blessed Assurance is E or in F#, or if we're debating what year it was that Shout to the Lord first came out, it's super fun for us, and super obnoxious for the rest of you.

The problem with Christian musicians #3
We are super spiritual. Oh sweet Jesus, are we super spiritual. I am extra apologetic about this one. I don't know why one of you hasn't walked straight up to one of us yet and punched us right in the breadbasket. I believe this one ties in a lot with #1. Sometimes, we try so hard to stay out of the "arrogant" zone and hop right into the "it's all Jesus" zone. For the record, there is a great middle ground. It's called the "I understand that I have talent but I also understand that I owe it to God" zone. I wish more Christian musicians were aware of this.

The following scenario happens way too often. A worship leader does a killer set. God moves, people are touched, it was amazing. The worship leader walks off stage and a sweet elderly woman approaches him. She says, "That was incredible! Great job!". The worship leader replies, "It was all God. Praise the Lord!" And then walks away. The elderly woman then makes a vow to never communicate with a worship leader ever again.
How disgusting is that?!? I mean, come on! Am I the only one who sees the fallacy of this? How hard would it have been for the leader to just say, "Thank you"? There's this paranoia that thanking someone for a compliment implies pride and sin. Which is terribly and horribly inaccurate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with thanking someone.

The problem with Christian musicians #4
We are clueless. We have our heads stuck so far into the sand that we're able to watch the New Zealand rugby game in person. This is a blanket issue that covers the rest of the problems. On top of being cocky, being annoying, and being uber-spiritual, we don't know we're doing it. I'm not sure if it makes it worse, or if alleviates it, but it's the truth. We are totally and completely ignorant. It's kind of sad, really. But it ends here. Any Christian musician reading this no longer can use the "I didn't know" card. No more excuses.

So, as a representative of all Christian musicians, here's my plea to you. Do not enable us. Help us. Work with us. Treat this as an intervention for someone with a controlled substance addiction. Next time you compliment a worship leader and he gives you a "Christianese" response, slug him. Next time a singer condescendingly tells you that she's known about Brian and Katie Torwalt for years before you did, kick her in the shins. And the next time a guitarist randomly pulls out a guitar in a non-worship setting, grab that guitar from him and smash it against a wall. You'll be doing all of us a favor.

Side hugs and Jesus jukes,

Greg

  

Christmas Carols - The Best Of

Unfortunately, we have to endure some pretty awful Christmas carols throughout this season. Thankfully, there are enough fantastic Christmas songs to make up for the terrible ones. But as it's probably obvious to all of you,  how on earth would you know which ones are the good ones if you didn't have me and this wonderful blog?? So here it is. The best of the best. The elite. The top dogs. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Best Songs of the Season. Hold on a sec. A couple quick notes: these are in no particular order and I'm not just listing the best songs, but the best versions of said songs. Enjoy!

"Where Are You Christmas?" - Faith Hill
Faith Hill is just fantastic. The song is solid. It has classic Christmas lyrics about the world changing, and the singer rearranging. And the woman puts in two freaking modulations (key changes for the rest of you). So she automatically makes the list with this song.
Listen to the song here

"White Christmas" - Bing Crosby
If you don't absolutely love this song, then you have the looks of Ebenezer Scrooge, the heart of the Grinch (pre-growth), and the nastiness of Harry Lyme. Bing Crosby is incredible. One of the best singers of all time. And "White Christmas is the PERFECT Christmas song. P.S. It's disgusting that this blog website thinks that "Bing" is spelled wrong. What an insult.
Listen to the song here

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" - Dean Martin
Another amazing singer. When Dean Martin croons, the ladies swoon. This song is great because I'm a hopeless romantic. I love the idea of being by a warm fire, cuddled up with the girl of my dreams, watching the snow fall outside.
Listen to the song here

"The Christmas Song" - Nat King Cole
This song brings in elements of both "White Christmas" and "Baby, It's Cold Outside". It's aptly titled "The Christmas Song" because it's the most Christmasy (not a word, I know) song out there. And Nat King Cole is the man. I love his voice. Plus, his name is "Nat".
Listen to the song here

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town" - Bruce Springsteen
You just got to love this version. The Boss once again proves why he's the boss. The song is fun, fast, and enjoyable. "Hey Clarence, were you good this year so you can get a new saxophone?" Love it.
Listen to the song here

"Holly Jolly Christmas" - Burl Ives
Burl Ives as Sam the Snowman singing this song is awesome. The best version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ends with this song. Just classic, good old-fashioned Christmas enjoyment.
Listen to the song here

"You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" - Thurl Ravenscroft
First off, if you didn't know that the dude that sings this song has a name of "Thurl", you do now. What a great name! It's even better than Burl! How the Grinch Stole Christmas is one of the best flicks ever (the animated version with Boris Karloff). And I love using the phrase "I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole".
Listen to the song here

"Run Rudolph Run" - Chuck Berry
Another super fun song. Chuck Berry is the one the best rockers ever (also one of the first). I listen to this song year round.
Listen to the song here

"Little Saint Nick" - The Beach Boys
I love the Beach Boys' sound. Little Saint Nick is a light, fun carol and the fact that the Beach Boys wrote a Christmas song (they've actually written several) is just great.
Listen to the song here

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - Judy Garland
I'm glad this made the list because there is a shortage of female artists on this list. But how could Judy not make it? The song is great on its own, first of all, but when Judy sings it, it transports the song to another level. You just have to close your eyes and listen to Judy sing to you.
Listen to the song here

"O Come Let Us Adore Him" - Hillsong
This is probably my favorite religious Christmas song. Hillsong just came out with their version and it's incredible. The song is really powerful. I'm not entirely sure why this is considered a Christmas carol, but I don't care. It's simple, yet so incredibly moving.
Listen to the song here

"Let it Snow" - Frank Sinatra
How could I not put a Christmas carol sung by old Blue Eyes? It would of been a travesty. And it doesn't matter which one. Frank's amazing regardless.
Listen to the song here.

"Beautiful World" - Jim Brickman
Whenever I watch Jim Brickman live, I can't help but smile. The way he plays and sings makes me believe that everything is going to be OK. Like I never have to worry again. "Beautiful World" has incredible lyrics as well. Just an all-around fantastic song.
Listen to the song here.

I hope you all enjoyed reading this and listening to the music as I did writing it. Have a very merry Christmas!

The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

These guys should of never been allowed to record a Christmas song

Bing Crosby first recorded "White Christmas" in 1942. 70 years later and it's still deemed one of the greatest, most popular Christmas songs of all time. But why is that? Why is "White Christmas" so eternal, so legendary, so timeless? First reason: Irving Berlin is awesome. He wrote about the perfect Christmas setting in a way no one else can. He's a brilliant songwriter. Second reason: Bing Crosby sings it. And let's face it: Bing is king. No one compares. There is nothing better than relaxing in front of the fire on a blustery Christmas Eve night with your loved ones, with Bing softly crooning in the background, and a mug of steaming hot cocoa with extra marshmallows.

Unfortunately, they don't make 'em like they used to. Radio stations: this is your fault. The audacity you have for allowing horrific music to grace the public airways! Your taste in music can be quite appalling. Granted, it's not like we have this unlimited pool of Christmas songs to draw from to play night and day from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I'm sure the radio stations get a little desperate to mix it up a bit and not be too repetitive. Of course if it was up to me, I have a list of about 20 songs that they could play on repeat for the entire holiday season, and I'd be perfectly content. As for all the other Christmas tunes, we're better off leaving them on the proverbial shelf.

But for some songs, it wouldn't be enough to just "leave them on the shelf." Some songs need to be completely removed from the face of the earth. Some songs are so bad, I want a neurosurgeon to surgically remove any memory I have of ever listening to them. You know how people pray for their own "Christmas miracle"? Well, my Christmas miracle is to wake up to a world where the good Lord himself has destroyed any and all traces of these atrocious, awful, wanna-be Christmas carols.

You're probably wondering which songs I'm referring to. Well I took the time and pleasure to put them in a nice list here for you. That way, you can take steps to avoid these at all possible. You can thank me later. *Editor's Note: These are not in any particular order or ranking. They're all equally irritating.

"Santa Baby" - Madonna
This was actually written in the 50's for Eartha Kitt to sing. And Eartha is awesome. But then Madonna was born. I'm pretty sure the world ended. If it didn't end then, it ended in 1987 when Madonna recorded her version of "Santa Baby." Madonna attempts to mimic the style of Marilyn Monroe and fails miserably. What's worse is that there are many people who legitimately believe it's Marilyn singing. What an insult! No one can emulate Marilyn. If Michelle Williams can't do it right, then Madonna certainly can't. The song comes off as whiny, annoying, and grating on my precious ears.
Listen to the song here.

"Same Old Lang Syne" - Dan Fogelberg
Just because a song mentions Christmas Eve or snow, it doesn't mean it's a Christmas song. This song is way too depressing. It's about some dude who runs into an old flame at Tops (or Wegmans, if you're a snob), they chat it up for a few hours, and then go their separate ways. Probably the lamest thing I have heard in my entire life. Why couldn't they rekindle the love? Or do what most people do and ignore each other in the cereal aisle, hoping the other person doesn't say anything! To top it off, good old Dan Fogelberg ends the song singing how the "snow turns into rain." Dan should have his vocal cords removed so he can never sing again.
Listen to the song here.

"Last Christmas" - Wham!
Everything about this song screams, "I had a one-night stand with a call-girl on Christmas Day and couldn't afford to keep her any longer. This year, I'm purchasing a mail-order bride from PersianWifeFinder.com." And that's all I have to say about that.
Listen to the song here.

"Do They Know it's Christmastime?" - Band-Aid
To enlighten you, this is the song where Bono and like 50 other big name artists in the 80's got together to sing a song to raise awareness of the hunger issue in Africa. Good intentions, but the lyrics are awful. You've heard the song a million times, but you've probably never really listened to it. So read the lyrics and you'll see why. If you're too lazy to do that, I'll just tell you. Bono is bragging that we have it better in America than the Africans do. It's kind of awkward. And yet hilarious. But regardless of how entertaining it is, it makes for a god-awful Christmas carol.
Listen to the song here.

"The 12 Pains of Christmas" - Bob Rivers
Just what we need. A Christmas carol that points out the supposed frustrating moments of the holidays. I thought carols were supposed to bring Christmas cheer, not take it away. This song is annoying, pathetic, and sung by people who clearly have zero talent. It's not even that original. But then again, most parodies aren't.
Listen to the song here.

"Wonderful Christmastime" - Paul McCartney
I'm so brave to be bashing a Paul McCartney song. This song is just downright annoying. The way he sings, "simply having a wonderful Christmastime" over and over again, makes me want to never celebrate Christmas again.
Listen to the song here.

"Christmas Shoes" - Newsong
I know, how dare I criticize a song that mentions Jesus, dying people, and cute kids! But someone needs to say it. And I'll gladly do it. While I love listening to and singing this song, and the Rob Lowe movie is something everyone should watch (HA), I do it all to make fun of it relentlessly. It is so cheesy and way over the top. It takes a great concept and beats it to an ugly, bloody pulp. The song is so bad, I envy the mother mentioned in the song because she dies and is spared ever having to hear the song. The rest of us are left to suffer. To top it off, they have a bunch of kids singing the ending. It's like putting salt on an open wound. I hate you, Newsong.
Listen to the song here.

Stay tuned to an upcoming, less ranting, more raving post about the best Christmas songs ever. But in the meantime, give me some feedback! Did I miss something? Do you actually love a song on this list? Please say no...

The Newsboys Broke My Heart

DISCLAIMER: This blog post will be mentioning mostly old-school Christian music trivia. I apologize if you have no idea who or what I'm talking about, or more likely, could care less. But if you decide to plunge into this post, your experience will be much more enjoyable if you follow all of the hyperlinks. Even if you think you know what I'm talking about, click them anyway. I put a lot of work in those. Good luck!

PROLOGUE

The good Lord always said to forgive those who've wronged you. I've heard countless messages on how important it is to forgive and move on. Messages on how bitterness and resentment can eat away at you from the inside and leave nothing left, but a shell of who you once were.

That being said, I will never forgive the Newsboys for what they did. And by never, I mean never. I am astoundingly bitter and angry towards them. I am shocked and offended and hurt. And I'm 75% certain Jesus hasn't forgiven them either. I will carry this resentment with me to the grave.

CHAPTER 1: THE STORY

Who are the Newsboys? Good question. Here's their Wikipedia page. If you're too lazy, then just know that they're a Christian rock group from Australia that got their start in the '80's and are still going strong. But they're more than just a band. These guys have been a staple, a cornerstone, in the Christian music community since they started. Plus, they're not just a cornerstone in the overall Christian community but an incredible influence on me personally.



My good-looking parents

I adored the Newsboys. In fact, they were the first "real" band I became a fan of. I remember being in elementary school where the only music I listened to was Psalty's Kids Praise and Mr. Donut Man. That stuff was awesome by the way. It was all pre-VeggieTales. But then I discovered "big people" music. Music that wasn't sung by a group of five year-olds. And the first cassette I got from the wonderful Donald and Karen Hirtzel? The Newsboys' "Going Public" album. The one with "Shine" on it. That album was freaking awesome.

As I began to immerse myself into music, I started going to concerts as well. And one of the first concerts I ever went to? Newsboys at Kingdom Bound. I was like 13 and it was amazing. I was in awe. They were incredible both in the studio and live. I had every single album of theirs. Every single one. Correction: my little brother technically owned the "Not Ashamed" album, but we shared it.

CHAPTER 2: THE GLORY DAYS

I wish I could describe to you how great it was to be a fan of the Newsboys in the '90's and early 2000's. They were so awesome. They could do no wrong. I even liked their "Love Liberty Disco" album. If you had to listen to one song by the Newsboys, this is it:

Probably their best song ever. Sung by their bassist, Phil Joel. Which reminds me of another way this band had an impact on my life. I started learning the bass guitar when I was 16 and Phil Joel was my inspiration. He was so cool (still is). He was a surfer dude, he'd play bass barefoot on stage, and held the bass like it was a double bass. I emulated him (without the long hair) perfectly. I wanted to be just like him. I'll never forget one show I went to where he sang a medley of Entertaining Angels and Jason Upton's "No Sacrifice." It was life-changing.

You're probably wondering, if this band was so great, what on earth happened? Well, let me tell you. It all started the day Peter Furler left.

Peter Furler was with the band from its inception (sans Leo DiCaprio). He was their drummer and then when the original lead singer, John James, left, Furler stepped up to the microphone (pun intended). And the Newsboys continued to be awesome. In fact, I believe they got better. In the Peter Furler era, their best albums came out, including "Thrive" and "Step Up to The Microphone".

Needless to say, I was devastated when Peter Furler said he would be stepping down. I may have cried a little. But I was optimistic. I mean, this is the Newsboys were talking about here. They're incredible. They'll have a brilliant solution and continue to be awesome... ....right?

CHAPTER 3: THE DOWNFALL

Boy, was I wrong.

They picked Michael Tait to be the front man. Yes, that Michael Tait. As in, dc Talk's Michael Tait. I won't get into dc Talk here. That's a blog post for another day. Plus, it's too depressing to think about. I listen to the "Jesus Freak" album religiously (pun intended once again) even to this day. But to enlighten you, dc Talk was another juggernaut of a Christian rock group. They were huge, just like the Newsboys. But the beauty of these two bands was that they were separate. There were the Newsboys and then there was dc Talk. Not together. Never together. It's like putting Mick Jagger and David Bowie together. It should never, ever happen. Ever.

But they did it anyway. And it was awful. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Tait is a great guy. But there's a reason why he was the third-most important member out the the three members of dc Talk. It's like when A.J. from the Backstreet Boys went solo. No one cared. Have any of you heard Tait's solo work? Of course not. You have better things to do, like file your nails or organize your sock drawer.

So now we have the latest version of the Newsboys. As a small blessing, Peter Furler came back as a producer and to aid in songwriting, but that's it. No singing or playing. And instead we have a 45 year-old in tight leather pants trying to sing the Breakfast Song. It's insulting. I won't even try to find a video of him singing it because I'm pretty sure God will smite me for doing so. And the albums they've come out with in the last couple of years have been sub-par. They're lacking the brilliant metaphors and wit that we have come to expect out of this group. And the stage presence they had is gone as well. It seems that now they rely more on their reputation to carry them along than anything else. Simply put, Tait tries too hard and fails miserably.

EPILOGUE

Well, there you have it. And now on with some damage control. I want to apologize first to my readers for having to endure my ranting. Second, I'm sorry, Michael Tait, for being so mean. But you should of known better. And when you leave the Newsboys, can you get dc Talk back together? Thanks. Third, I'm sorry, Newsboys, for refusing to listen to your music for the last three years. But I'm giving you the silent treatment like a 15 year-old girl would.

I'm holding onto hope because the Newsboys' long-time guitarist, Jody Davis, came back after a five-year hiatus, so maybe Peter Furler will do the same. Maybe the archangel, Gabriel, will come to him in a dream and tell him to stop being lame and get back up there and save the day. Please stand with me in fervent expectation.

Let's throw Thanksgiving a pity party

Let's face it, Thanksgiving got the holiday shaft.

Try to remember the time when you actually cared about Thanksgiving. When you actually cared about those poor Pilgrims coming over on the Mayflower, and then being starving, cold, and miserable, and then finally the Indians (excuse me, I mean Native Americans) coming to the rescue. And now, to commemorate the Native Americans (what a mouthful, is that why Chris Columbus called them Indians?) being awesome, we have a holiday. We learned that all in school, probably when we were like five years old, and it was cool because we got to spend the weeks before Thanksgiving drawing cornucopias, tracing our hands to make drawings of turkeys, making Pilgrim hats and paper feathers to stick in our hair, etc. Ah, the halcyon days of youth!

But once you get to an age where it looks ridiculous doing arts & crafts, it all goes down the tubes. Thanksgiving is no longer anything special.

For those of you who might want to argue with me, let's review what could possibly make Thanksgiving a great holiday. Here are some possibilities and why they're wrong:

1) Religion

It's not a religious holiday. Yeah, I know, the Pilgrims came to the new world to escape religious persecution. But Thanksgiving wasn't formed the day they stepped off the boat. It was founded on what happened after a horrific winter where everyone pretty much died. It's more of a celebration that they survived. Plus, no one goes to church on Thanksgiving. We either participate in the Turkey Trot, a Turkey Bowl, cook, or, if we're in NYC, attend the parade.

2) Santa Claus

We don't get presents. Which is not cool. Santa doesn't come on this day. Knowing this is almost as devastating as when I realized that Paul Revere does not come galloping on his horse into town to deliver presents on Independence Day.

3) Weather

In Buffalo, the weather always sucks on Thanksgiving. Rare is it where we can look out a window and see a beautiful, snow-covered landscape. I can remember only one year we actually had snow. And maybe one year where it was sunny and warm. Most of the time it's raining. And it's not a pleasant summer rain. It's a freezing, awful rain. Everything is muddy and gross and cold.

4) Music

There are no Thanksgiving songs. Seasonal songs don't count because most of them include snow and if you didn't skip #3, then you know that we don't get snow. In case you don't know what a seasonal song is, think of "Sleigh Ride".

5) Traditions

99% of American families have only two traditions with Thanksgiving. Food and football. Except those aren't traditions. This is America and that's all we do - eat food and watch football. Thanksgiving isn't any different. Now we just have an excuse to pig out and watch the Detroit Lions lose in the middle of the week.

6) Family

OK, I'll admit, it is nice to see the family, but that's just me. So many people I talk to don't stop complaining about having to see the in-laws or complaining about how many stops they need to make during the day. Plus, obviously, you will see them all in a month anyway for Christmas.

The bottom line is, because of these factors, no one really cares about Thanksgiving. We could of called it anything, as long as people can still eat & watch football on a random Thursday, we're all OK. And if Thanksgiving was so important, why on earth does it not get its own day, like Christmas? The third Thursday of November? Really?!?? The holiday really got boned on that one. At least Easter has a little logic involved. Something about a full moon, Lent, Jesus, vampires, or something. And who picked Thursday, anyway? Random.

All that being said, I'm glad we have Thanksgiving because I'm a pig, I like watching football, I like my family, and I still secretly draw turkeys using my hand as a stencil. And of course, there are always extenuating circumstances as to why maybe, in your specific situation, Thanksgiving is especially special. But for the collective America, it's safe to say that Thanksgiving got the shaft.

The Best and Worst Christmas Films Ever

It's about a week until Thanksgiving, so you know what that means! It's Christmastime! But really, it is. Local Buffalo radio stations like 102.5 and 96.1 have been playing seasonal music for a couple of weeks now, every retail store in America is decked out in decorations, homeowners are beginning to decorate their houses, etc, etc. And of course this stirs up some anger and irritation in people where they begin to rant and rave about how "it's too early" and "it's not even Thanksgiving yet". But not me. Personally, I love listening to Christmas music all year round. A close friend and I have been notorious for driving around Buffalo, belting out Faith Hill's "Where Are You Christmas" in July. 

I remember the movie Garden State with Zach Braff (what ever happened to him anyway?), where Natalie Portman's (the girl who turns into a swan in a later movie) character has a Christmas tree up at her house all year. That's my kind of girl. I love this time of year. So if the world starts early with Christmas, I'm on board.

But I digress. I have a purpose for this post, I truly do. Just bear with me.  Let's say that we live in a cruel, terrible world where an ordinary citizen is only allowed to watch a total of three Christmas movies each holiday season. OK, OK, stop weeping. It's merely a hypothetical situation. In the real world, we have ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas (yay!). So no worries. But back to imaginary land... You have to pick 3 movies. That's it. What would you choose? You don't have to worry because I have incredible taste in Christmas films. Below is the absolute best three Christmas movies of all time. And for good measure, below is also the absolute worst three Christmas movies of all time. And trust me, the good ones are great, and the bad ones are god-awful.

P.S. These are also Jesus' top 3 and bottom 3, so you can't argue with me. He told me himself.

THE BEST

3) The Santa Clause
This movie is fantastic. Tim Allen at his best (when he's not Buzz Lightyear). The entire movie is hilarious and is universal. As much as I loved it as a kid, I know I will love it just as much as a middle-aged man. This is the movie that my brother would beg for us to watch when it was his turn to pick the movie. And that was in June. And we were totally OK with it. If you don't like this movie, you probably don't have any friends.
Watch the trailer here

2) Elf
This movie was a pleasant surprise. It has been a long time since a great Christmas movie has come out before Elf did. In fact, I believe the last great film was #3 on our list. And that's a nine year difference. And Jon Favreau (the man behind the Iron Man movies) blesses us with this instant classic. Elf is freaking amazing. Will Ferrell is a genius actor. He was absolutely perfect for the role. And getting Sonny Corleone, I mean, James Caan, in it was also a brilliant move. I could outline some of the best scenes, but there are too many. A friend and I were quoting this movie together and laughing just thinking about the scenes. That's how good it is. This movie will be a timeless classic for many, many years. Just like #1 on the list.
Watch the trailer here

1) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
OK, just to clarify which Rudolph movie I'm talking about, this is the 1964 stop-motion TV special with Burl Ives as Sam the Snowman. The other ones, I am proud to say, I have never seen. And I don't plan to. Because this version, the Burl Ives one, is 47 years old and is as amazing today as I'm sure it was when my father saw it when it first aired (because he's old).  Plus it has Burl in it. And Burl is fantastic. I will have this a movie my kids see when I'm a parent and I hope they continue the tradition.
Watch clips here

Because you all will complain, here are some honorable mentions: National Lampoon Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, It's A Wonderful Life, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, White Christmas, and A Muppet's Christmas Carol.

THE WORST

3) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure.
For the record, the longer the title, the worse the movie will be. It never fails. Case in point: this wanna-be Christmas flick. Chevy Chase intelligently stayed away from it and so the starring role went to Randy Quaid (the crazy pilot from Independence Day). I never saw it (thank the dear Lord), but I have heard from a trusted source that it's pretty darn bad. So I will continue to stay away from it.

Watch the trailer here. Oh wait never mind. The movie was so bad, I can't even find a trailer video for it.

2) Fred Claus
Most of you probably haven't seen this. Good for you. It's got Paul Giamatti playing Santa and Vince Vaughn playing his idiot brother. And speaking of idiots, this movie idiotic. It's so lame. The comedy is few and far in-between. I can't believe Rachel Weisz wanted to do this and yet wouldn't do a third Mummy movie (I still haven't forgiven her for that).
Watch the trailer here

1) Eight Crazy Nights
Let's just forget that this is technically a Hanukkah movie. It's still the same season. Question: What do you get when you add an animated movie, a musical, and Adam Sandler?  Answer: A crappy movie. The movie is crude, dirty, and pointless. And it's not even funny. It's a complete waste of time. And the animation drew the Adam Sandler character to look like the actual Adam Sandler. Didn't the creators of A Scanner Darkly do the same thing? And look how that turned out! They never learn...
Watch the trailer here

Some honorable mentions: Frosty Returns, Bad Santa, Jack Frost, Christmas with the Kranks, and Four Christmases.

Now you know which movies to watch this season, and which movies to buy DVD copies of and then burn ceremoniously in your backyard. Let me know if I missed something or if you actually think that Fred Claus was funny (because it wasn't).