Let's throw Thanksgiving a pity party

Let's face it, Thanksgiving got the holiday shaft.

Try to remember the time when you actually cared about Thanksgiving. When you actually cared about those poor Pilgrims coming over on the Mayflower, and then being starving, cold, and miserable, and then finally the Indians (excuse me, I mean Native Americans) coming to the rescue. And now, to commemorate the Native Americans (what a mouthful, is that why Chris Columbus called them Indians?) being awesome, we have a holiday. We learned that all in school, probably when we were like five years old, and it was cool because we got to spend the weeks before Thanksgiving drawing cornucopias, tracing our hands to make drawings of turkeys, making Pilgrim hats and paper feathers to stick in our hair, etc. Ah, the halcyon days of youth!

But once you get to an age where it looks ridiculous doing arts & crafts, it all goes down the tubes. Thanksgiving is no longer anything special.

For those of you who might want to argue with me, let's review what could possibly make Thanksgiving a great holiday. Here are some possibilities and why they're wrong:

1) Religion

It's not a religious holiday. Yeah, I know, the Pilgrims came to the new world to escape religious persecution. But Thanksgiving wasn't formed the day they stepped off the boat. It was founded on what happened after a horrific winter where everyone pretty much died. It's more of a celebration that they survived. Plus, no one goes to church on Thanksgiving. We either participate in the Turkey Trot, a Turkey Bowl, cook, or, if we're in NYC, attend the parade.

2) Santa Claus

We don't get presents. Which is not cool. Santa doesn't come on this day. Knowing this is almost as devastating as when I realized that Paul Revere does not come galloping on his horse into town to deliver presents on Independence Day.

3) Weather

In Buffalo, the weather always sucks on Thanksgiving. Rare is it where we can look out a window and see a beautiful, snow-covered landscape. I can remember only one year we actually had snow. And maybe one year where it was sunny and warm. Most of the time it's raining. And it's not a pleasant summer rain. It's a freezing, awful rain. Everything is muddy and gross and cold.

4) Music

There are no Thanksgiving songs. Seasonal songs don't count because most of them include snow and if you didn't skip #3, then you know that we don't get snow. In case you don't know what a seasonal song is, think of "Sleigh Ride".

5) Traditions

99% of American families have only two traditions with Thanksgiving. Food and football. Except those aren't traditions. This is America and that's all we do - eat food and watch football. Thanksgiving isn't any different. Now we just have an excuse to pig out and watch the Detroit Lions lose in the middle of the week.

6) Family

OK, I'll admit, it is nice to see the family, but that's just me. So many people I talk to don't stop complaining about having to see the in-laws or complaining about how many stops they need to make during the day. Plus, obviously, you will see them all in a month anyway for Christmas.

The bottom line is, because of these factors, no one really cares about Thanksgiving. We could of called it anything, as long as people can still eat & watch football on a random Thursday, we're all OK. And if Thanksgiving was so important, why on earth does it not get its own day, like Christmas? The third Thursday of November? Really?!?? The holiday really got boned on that one. At least Easter has a little logic involved. Something about a full moon, Lent, Jesus, vampires, or something. And who picked Thursday, anyway? Random.

All that being said, I'm glad we have Thanksgiving because I'm a pig, I like watching football, I like my family, and I still secretly draw turkeys using my hand as a stencil. And of course, there are always extenuating circumstances as to why maybe, in your specific situation, Thanksgiving is especially special. But for the collective America, it's safe to say that Thanksgiving got the shaft.