The rules of social networking

I shouldn't have to write a post like this. Everyone should know this stuff. But after months and months of watching people make facebook faux pas after facebook faux pas, I feel like I need to speak up. Although you want to communicate what's going on in your life to your friends and family via your social networking site of choice (Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc.), you need to avoid looking like an idiot or worse.

I decided to lay down the ground rules for having a profile. I will use Facebook for my examples as it is the most popular one out there. If you are a violator of any of these, please stop it immediately! You will instantly improve your life, trust me.

Faux Pas #1: Posting every little action of yours as your status. 

You're one of those people who need to tell everyone exactly what you're doing ALL the time. For example, "going to the grocery store and then tanning!" Or "Going to bed now."

Are you serious???? Who cares?!?!?!? No one! Not even your mother. Don't waste your time. No one wants to know every little thing you do every day. Especially if it's gross or wayyy too personal. Leave it out, please.

If you have to post what you're doing, spice it up. Instead of saying "Going to the zoo", say, "I'm totally 7 years old all over again and I'm going to pet an elephant." You've inputted some humor and still told the world where you're going or what you're doing, with a little mystery added to it. It's the perfect post.

The one exception is if you are doing something incredibly awesome. Then it's ok to post about it, straight up. Things like hang gliding or bounty hunting.  You can't beat a post that says, "Right now, I am about to rappel down the side of a tallest cliff face this side of the Mississippi." I'd rather read that than, "Picking up some milk."

Faux Pas #2: Posting controversial pictures of yourself or others


Do you want to know how you can work at McDonald's for the rest of your life, stay single forever, and live in your parents' basement until you're 40? Go partying every night, get incredibly wasted, make out with guys (or girls) you've never met, take pictures of the experience, and post it on Facebook.

Do you know how many interviewers are looking at your Facebook page as you're being interviewed? And the cute wholesome girl you met in class who won't call you back? It's because you're stupid. Your could-be employer saw you pounding the shots last Friday night and the pretty girl saw you grinding up against 3 girls on Saturday.

If you have to party and drink, leave the camera at home. Or at least, don't post the pics. It will ruin your life. It's so simple. And if you have pics like this of one of your friends, be a good friend and delete the photo. Don't ruin their lives for them.

Faux Pas #3: Being too mushy


This is one of my favorites. You're perusing your friends' Facebook pages and notice a conversation between two people dating and after reading 3 words, you're already feeling nauseous. Attention daters, engaged couples, and married folk: we don't want to hear about it. It grosses us out. Even us who are also dating, engaged, or married. We know you're love, let's leave it at that. We don't want to hear how hot ("hott") they are or how badly you want to kiss them right now. Especially those of you living together. Are you serious??? If you have to tell them something, turn to them, sitting next to you on the couch, and say it! My gosh! Or did you ever hear of messaging them? That way I don't have to puke all over my keyboard. Thanks.

Faux Pas #4: Desperately seeking sympathy and attention

There are two types of people in the world: those who tell everyone their problems and those that keep them quiet. For those of you who use Facebook to tell everyone how you're lonely all the time, mad at some guy, frustrated that you're overweight, or just depressed because of something or other, you need to know something. For every person who expresses sympathy, there are 999 people who would rather not hear about it.

It's not like they don't care. That's not the case at all. It's that the person who's venting about something is most likely what we call a "chronic venter" and spills their sob story every other day and we're just sick and tired of hearing about it.

People used to be like, "Oh Greg, I wish I had your life. You're so carefree and happy all the time!" Newsflash: My life isn't perfect, I just do two things differently than you. (1) I don't tell everyone about my problems, I save it for my close friends and family who I can always turn to for support and (2) I don't let my worries and burdens drag me down. I won't let my responsibilities ruin my day. It's something called maturity.

So man up (or woman up) and start handling your problems in a mature way. Instead of posting about every little thing that goes wrong, hoping for someone to say how sorry they are, try being proactive and change your situation. And for some of you, please seek professional help immediately.

Faux Pas #5: Posting too frequently


There's nothing more annoying than seeing someone who posts every hour. It screams one thing: "I don't have a life!" Unless you're someone super awesome (e.g. Bono, Stephen Colbert, Taylor Swift), you get the max of one post a day. Two in case of emergencies or extremely exciting days.

One tip for any Facebook post: you can get a good idea if you posted well by the amount of people who commented on it and by the number of people who "liked" it. If you're noticing a pattern of no activity after your posts, you can assume you suck at posting (or you have 15 friends, all of which are celebrities who have never heard of you).

I'm sure I'm missing some, and if you have any additions, feel free to comment below! Otherwise, let's all work together to be smart Facebook posters!